Splatoon, for the longest time, has been a weird series for us. We could only admire it from afar, with it being one of Nintendo's most cool and interesting settings. Perhaps we have a bias toward anything with a hard focus on ocean life, but the post-apocalyptic angle that's gone from minor detail in the margins to an extremely important aspect of the story more than once already, as well as its general nostalgic vibe has made Splatoon an enticing series. That we just thoroughly could not bring ourselves to enjoy.
It's hard to pin blame on any one thing, but we think what certainly didn't help was how the single-player campaigns of the first two games where. Boring? Yeah, didn't care for them much. It's not until Splatoon 3 that we gave a go based on a gut feeling alone that we can finally say we enjoy a Splatoon game. And surprisingly enough, a KILLER single-player campaign made us a little more enthusiastic to learn the ropes in multi-player. Rejoice!
And the series, of course, is home to some lovely, cooky baddy designs, most notably of which is the Octarian Army. Sadly through, on the subject of talking about these guys, we kinda just find their designs rather repetitive. Funny ways to draw an octopus, but they simply are what they are.
Enter then, Salmon Run, the series' response to PvE wave battle modes like Gears of War's Horde and Halo's Firefight modes, where instead of fighting octopi with sensual legs, you fight waves of fish people simply called "Salmonids," with the goal being to collect as many Golden Eggs as you can and survive before time runs out. Based of course on the phenomenon of real-life salmons moving from sea to freshwater rivers during spawning season. Unlike the Octarians, these Salmon dudes are quite varied and are EXTREMELY charming designs that we'd love to get into. So we're doing that!
Though one more brief loredump, since this actually plays a part into these guys' behavior and culture, and even their designs. According to an interview, Salmonids have no concept of fearing death, as they hold a high, possibly even religious reverence for the cycle of life, viewing their death as just part of that cycle. They even go so far as to present themselves as "tasty", using cooking utensils as weapons and equipment. Salmonids essentially view being eaten as the ultimate way to go. We guess whatever to hand-wave slaughtering sapient fish-people by the droves to steal their young to use as a power source, but it's an interesting take on a fictional culture.
Smallfry:
Let's start with the smallest of the fries, the Smallfry! The weakest (but most certainly not to be underestimated) of the Salmon horde, these fellas are simply ADORABLE and it's no wonder by the time 3 rolled around, they went and decided one of these dudes got to be your pet. They're tiny baby fish with TREMENDOUSLY bulbous fish-eyes that simply look hilarious. And their weapon of choice are little plastic baby spoons!! Awwww!!!
Chum:
The next level up for the basic mooks are Chums, slightly more adult-looking with even more jacked-up teeth. They're maybe not as adorable as the Smallfry, but they're certainly cute in their own right! With the crooked smile and a dorsal fin posed as if a mohawk.
Cohock:
And the next level above THEM, and the toughest of all the regular mooks, are the Cohocks. In a lot of ways, they're simply Chum but a little bigger, meaner, and a bit less mindless-looking. They even keep their frying pans! As such, we will say we like the little detail that they keep worms in their back pocket. For a little snack.
Snatcher:
The last of the basic fellas are Snatchers. In Splatoon 2 they're little more than slightly recolored Chums, but in 3 they gained little Koopa Clown Car-looking machines. They don't attack, rather they fly in from the sea to retrieve any eggs that are unattended for, and them doing so with a little fish net is simply precious. Snatchers are apparently new recruits in the army, merely given the task of retrieving eggs to give them a taste of the battlefield.
Steelhead:
Now we move onto the real meat of Salmon Run, the Boss Salmonids! These Salmonids are the big ones that the mooks support, and are the ultimate goal for defeating so that your team may retrieve the golden eggs they drop.
The Steelhead is among one of the most dangerous, equipped with a huge bomb launcher that holds a balloon-shaped bomb that they apparently fill with their own saliva before chucking to cause a huge explosion. The means to defeat them is by shooting the balloon on its head as it inflates, causing it to explode.
The detail that their head equipment is apparently so heavy that they need suspenders made of steel is pretty funny, and their cooking implement of choice is their huge saucepan that the bombs sprout from. Interesting that they also include tires in the design as well, we guess to give it a gruffer demeanor than most other Salmonids, and maybe do a bit of a jab at garbage getting dumped into the sea.
Maws:
Maws are the army's surprise attackers, swimming around in ink and only appearing to be a little bobber at first. Once they're under a player, a brief second later, they'll surface and chomp down, splatting anyone unfortunate enough to get caught in one go. But if you trick one into eating a bomb, they're killed instantly.
We don't really get a good, full-body look at them though, since only their head and fins ever surface. From what we can see though, they look like the most obviously fishiest of all these fish people, complete with some scaly skin that looks more gnarly than other Salmonids. It's also interesting to see how they work within the confines of all these guys having to fill in niches of other animals (this clearly being very shark-like), while still being very recognizable as salmon.
Stinger:
Stingers are the army's snipers, preferring to never wander far from the shore and instead firing from a distance atop their tower of pots, pans, and cans. Having a lit flame beneath it may just seem like a fun bit of cruelty that takes the whole "loves to be cooked and eaten" thing too far, but the flames actually make their ink boil, pressurizing it to fire ink into a concentrated laser that has global range and pierces walls.
The method of defeating them is simply getting close enough to fire at their precariously stacked sniper's perch, knocking the pots and pans out from under them one by one until the Stinger itself finally falls on the flame to cook it alive.
Getting a closer look at the actual guy, they have a funny bit of frazzled "hair" and some tech that allows them to actually shoot this ink from their mouths, complete with cool targeting sight and everything. And their puffy cheeks as they blow into the actual shooter is also adorable.
Scrapper:
Scrappers are Salmonids driving a motorized shield built out of scrap parts. (Though again, with an obvious cooking pot's lid because of course.) Predictably, they're impervious from the front, but are vulnerable from the back. And their sole method of attack is just bumping into players, which can get quite annoying to be fair.
It's not a character design so much as it's a vehicle design, but it's still a vehicle with a lot of character. It's a miracle this piece of crap rolls but it's also no wonder just shooting it a handful of times just causes it to break down, leaving the driver unable to defend themselves.
Steel Eel:
Again, making clever use of implementing other animals while still keeping the enemies explicitly Salmon dudes. The Steel Eel is a big metal contraption built to simply ride through with an impervious metal maw up front as it chomps through, spraying ink everywhere underneath its body. But as the arrow is kind enough to point out, the back houses the pilot that is the actual target.
Out of all the Chum-adjacent fellows, Steel Eel is probably our favorite. He wears a paint mask apparently to protect himself from the spray, and just either looks tired or annoyed all the time. Like an underpaid janitor that doesn't wanna be here, but is anyway. We can relate.
Drizzler:
These weirdos fly down from the sky with conspicuously umbrella-shaped shields, before picking a spot to land. They'll then aim their main weapon, a balloon launcher, at a nearby player. When the balloon launches, they'll topple over backwards and become vulnerable, meanwhile their balloon will pop, releasing a rain of ink that showers over a large area. If you're good enough though, you can fire their balloon back at them, killing them in one go.
Like the Scrapper, it's little more than a Chum with a funny prop, but we appreciate the dude's energy anyway. Even if they're probably the most annoyingly disruptive of the bosses.
Flyfish:
We said don't underestimate the Smallfries not just because they can kill you surprisingly quickly, but also because one pilots quite possibly the single-most dangerous Boss Salmonid of them all. These odd flying contraptions are flying artillery launchers, having coolers that open up to fire deadly bottle-rockets targeting both the closest player and one other random player.
What makes them such a near-universally hated PAIN in the TUCHUS is not only they have one of the deadliest attacks in the game, not ONLY are they one of the safest Boss Salmonids out there, being like Stingers and usually only ever hanging out by the beach. NOT ONLY because having more than one alive is an almost surefire way to get overwhelmed, but ALSO because they made these idiots COMPLETELY IMPERVIOUS TO most FORMS OF REGULAR GUNFIRE. The only consistent way to defeat them is to throw a bomb into their cooler missile hatches when they're opened. It's not the hardest task in the world, but it gets harder if they're not alone and you don't have a friend with you to help, since throwing a bomb eats 75% of your ink.
OTHERWISE, the only means to defeat them are using any specials that have projectiles with bomb-like properties, like the Inkjet, the Crab Tank's alt-fire, or a Booyah Bomb. OR the Explosher's regular fire. Yeah, problematic to say the least.
Anyway, this flying contraption is a funny, goofy little thing. And a cooler missile rack that fires explosive heat-seeking bottles is just a funny idea in general. And we FEEL like the fact that a Smallfry of all things drives this thing is like. A deliberate admission Nintendo knew exactly what they were doing when they thought this asshole into existence.
Fish Stick:
Flyfish was the last of Splatoon 2's roster of Boss Salmonids, but Splatoon 3 added a handful more, including the Fish Stick here. Speaking of Smallfry! These helicopter-headed hellions carry a giant tower that they plant into the ground. Once planted, they fly in circles, spreading ink in a huge area around them. All the while singing some hellish carnival music. On their own their a mild nuisance at best, but if they're ignored they can cause an immense amount of trouble. But if you DO defeat them, their tower stays behind as free high ground!
Apparently, these Smallfry in particular are Stingers to-be, how adorable! The mere concept of these guys is ridiculous, so obviously they make for perfect additions.
Flipper-Flopper:
Once again, don't be fooled! These dudes may look like dolphins, but it's merely a Salmonid wearing a mask! These Salmonids apparently admire the now-extinct dolphins and how gracefully they swim, and decided to take up their techniques into battle. They spit rings of ink into the air that they even take the time to jump through before the ring comes down and fills in a circle of turf. Fill in the circle before they dive, and they'll smack their face into the ground, unmasking them and making them vulnerable.
Like this, they're little more than another salmon fellow, but boy it seems a little extra cruel to crush these dude's dreams of becoming a dolphin right before murdering them in cold blood! They're an adorable concept, and their nozzle-shaped snout on their mask combined with the headlight eyes is a really cool look. They imitate dolphins with style!
Big Shot:
Big Shots bring their own artillery, tossing a cannon onto the shore and rising with a cannonball to fire at the basket, sending shockwaves and being a general annoyance. Interestingly enough though, Big Shots are not hostile at all, other than their cannonball-firing. Shoot them and they'll simply continue about their routine of throwing a cannonball in, retreating into the ocean to get another one, rinse and repeat. The most "It's not much, but it's honest work." of all the Salmonids.
We really appreciate their goofy energy, with a funny face permanently stuck with an expression of shock, weird scowl, and whiskers that look a bit like a handlebar mustache. Big Shots are fun guys. They even fire off fireworks for special events!
Slammin' Lid:
Riding in UFO saucer-like pot lids, Slammin' Lids have a funny pun name and provide a shield for any Salmonids directly below them. That is, at least until you step under them and they attempt to crush you under them, teamkilling any Salmonids below them, INCLUDING bosses. Way to go, guys!
Once you leap onto them, you get a free shot at the Slammin' Lid themselves, or even just generally get to use them as high ground. But don't wait for too long though; they'll take out a soup ladle and hit you with it to knock you off.
It's also funny to frame these fellas as "expert pilots" like the field guide suggests. Meanwhile, they're killing their own by mistake and slamming an apparently expensive piece of equipment onto the ground over and over again.
Griller:
That's it for regular Boss Salmonids, but there's still Bosses that are specific to certain mid-game events that have a random chance of happening. One of which being the Griller, an odd doohicky that targets a player with a laser pointer before it relentlessly chases said player until one of them dies. Their only weak point is the Salmonid tail hanging out of the back.
Once hit enough, they'll be stunned and much easier to deal damage to. This is probably the most prime example of Salmonids going out of their way to make themselves look delicious. This one just houses four Salmonids that drive this thing by being cooked alive!
Goldie:
Goldies appear for a few events, including Gushers, Fog, and the dreaded Glowflies. They're like fancy Chums, but they'll drop Golden Eggs when defeated. They're apparently a rare mutation of Salmonid, only one in a million Salmonids being a Goldie. Their robe certainly sells them as fancy!
Mudmouth:
Mudmouths are another that get an event dedicated to them, and they appear as Salmonids made of sludge, covered in trash, pooling out of the sewers, and holding their mouth agape as they spit up Chums or Smallfry. Tossing bombs down their throats causes them to explode, dropping Golden Eggs. There's even gold variants that spit up Cohocks, but drop more eggs when defeated.
Of course we enjoy a good ol' slime monster, and Mudmouth is no exception. Curious that this is apparently a regular Chum that just got caught up in the sewer system, transforming it into this gooey mess somehow. Either way, they're a fun and zany design that we appreciate.
Mothership:
Not a Salmonid necessarily, but the last event wave-specific boss is the Mothership, apparently the last-ditch attempt for Salmonids.
It'll make way for the Egg Basket, meanwhile releasing Chinooks, a Salmonid that carries a cooler to drop so that it'll spit out Salmonid reinforcements. But if they're taken out while still airborne, they'll drop an egg.
The Mothership itself will then attach a vacuum extension to the Egg Basket and attempt to suck eggs back up, needing the team to fire on it to shake it off. Another odd, zany idea for an event mode.
Cohozuna:
That's it for Boss Salmonids, but Splatoon 3 added a new extra challenge that sometimes appears if you complete all three waves: a boss fight against a KING Salmonid. Cohozuna, maybe design-wise looks slightly underwhelming, but it does at least sell the big danger of a giant-sized Cohock flinging its weight around with bellyflop attacks and a huge slam move. It just feels like it's missing that extra bit of personality that its underlings had. But Perhaps it is only fitting to make the Big Boss one be taken a bit more seriously. The pupilless eyes are still cool and mean-looking though.
There's apparently been implications that more "King Salmonids" coming in future updates. In which case we'll simply edit this article to talk about them if that does indeed happen. The Salmonids are all super cool and cute designs that we love, oozing with fun goofs and a lot of personality that comes with a lot of Nintendo games, but Salmonids in particular felt like a stand-out. We'll be back if more ever get added, but for now,
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